"...and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee." ~John Donne

We have recently lost a friend. And my grief for this friend makes me want to write and share and plead out to the world, "don't waste your time!" At the same time a loss of life is not something to post as your status update, to Tweet (am I using that correctly? I don't use Twitter), and it's probably not even appropriate to blog about. But we do it anyway because somehow it's easier to do this than it is to talk with someone. Mike and I have talked and talked about this friend of ours and so I do not feel guilt about writing about him now. But to respect privacy I am not going to write details. Instead I have compiled a list of quotes to summarize my feelings.

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." ~Irish headstone

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved." ~Helen Keller

"It requires more courage to suffer than to die." ~Napoleon Bonaparte

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in he soul,
And sings the tune without words,
and never stops at all"
~Emily Dickinson

"Do not seek death. Death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment."
~ Dag Hammarskjold

"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."
~Harriet Beecher Stowe

"God shall be my hope, my stay, my guide and lantern to my feet." ~William Shakespeare

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." ~Revelation 21:4

When did I become a grown up?

Recently I was talking with my sister in-law Lauren and she said she realized she was a grown up when she was sick and so was her 11 month old daughter and no one was there to take care of her. Lauren that is. Her daughter was obviously taken care of.

There are many things in life that make us feel more like a "grown up" like getting our first job, paying for our own car payment/insurance, staying out as late as we want, dating, getting married etc. The list goes on and on. But one thing that will almost always make you feel more grown-up is when a little child is completely and totally relying on you to care for them.

After Layla's first birthday on the 7th my husband Mike got sick with your typical cold/cough/sore throat. I got sick the week after. And now Layla is sick. Nothing is worse than when your child, especially one so young as Layla, is ill. Her eyes tell it all, they're watery and red and look at me with the saddest expression that if Layla could form sentences I imagine she would say "mommy please make me all better". I can't explain to Layla she will get better. I can't rationalize how if I use the Boogie Wipes and the nose aspirator she'll feel better because all she knows is she hates them and thinks I am torturing her.

So, I rock her and hold her, I keep her comfortable, I check her temperature, I feed her, I change her diaper, I wipe boogers, I pat her back when she coughs, and I just hope and pray that she knows I am doing everything I can to make her feel better. And you know what? It doesn't matter to me that I am losing sleep at night when she cries, or that I can't go run errands because I don't want her outside. It doesn't bother me that when I pick up a load of laundry that needs folding she wakes up from the shortest nap ever. Because she needs me. I am her mommy. I am now a grown up. I don't have someone taking care of me anymore, now I am doing the taking care of.

Sleeping baby

"For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them"

Perhaps it is because I am the mother of a child with special needs or perhaps it is because my heart is full of love and compassion for families in need but I am struck tonight with a desperation I am not sure how to contain.

As I share more about my family you will learn about my daughter Layla who was diagnosed with a rare brain malformation at 4 months old. At one year and 2 days old she is doing fabulous and we know that God has heard our prayers and taken care of our little girl.

Since Layla's diagnosis I have met and "met" many families with children that share Layla's disorder and many other families who have children with other special needs as well. I will say that my online community, my support group if you will have been absolutely amazing, to say nothing of my friends and family I know personally you too have shown what it truly means to care for someone.

Right now a dear little girl is struggling with some serious life and death issues and I am feeling the pains of fear and helplessness. There is nothing I can do, I cannot cure her of her illnesses or the disorder she was born with that causes so much pain. But I can go to Christ in prayer. I know He is listening to my prayers. So many families are praying for this girl and I am reminded of His promise to us in Matthew 18:20 "For where two or three gather in my name, there I am with them". Thank you Jesus for reminding me that we are not alone.

Jeopardy

Recently Mike and I have started watching Jeopardy at 7:30pm every night. Layla LOVES it. She stops to watch and sometimes responds to Alex's questions. She's going to be a genius. :)

Final Jeopardy question for you:

Answer:
United States presidents who never finished there second term in office
Hint: There are 3

And then there were 3

My little girl Layla Jane is one year old today. The morning of exactly one year ago I was in the basement of our rental house pacing through contractions, trying to be quiet as I let my husband Mike sleep upstairs. I figured we would be up for the better part of a day or two and there was no need for both of us to have no sleep. They tell you that with your first baby labor will last a long time so get comfortable because just because you're feeling the pain does not mean the baby will be here shortly. In anticipation of that I was ready for a long day. My husband woke up to find me breathing through some relatively easy contractions and we decided now is the time for him to download some songs onto my MP3 to get me ready for the big day. My number one choice? The Eye of the Tiger from Rocky. I kid you not. In the mean time while Mike was downloading songs we put on "The Goonies" because who doesn't want to watch one of the greatest 80s movies of all time while they're going through contractions? About an hour later I was grunting and groaning through contractions and "we" (Mike) decided, lets go to the store and walk around to speed up the labor process. So at about 9:30 on a Sunday morning we went to Walmart to pace the aisles and speed up the process.

Now i'm not sure if you've ever seen someone going through contractions but I tell you, the people at Walmart were acting like it ain't no thang. I would duck down a deserted aisled as I breathed heavily through a contraction, a little afraid my water would break and I would be like Natalie Portman's character on "Where the Heart Is" where she delivers right on the floor of the store. After an hour and a half in Walmart it was time to go home.

I struggled through a shower and getting dressed and off to the hospital we went at somewhere between 2-3pm. Each bump in the road made it feel like Layla was going to pop out at any moment. Admittance to the birthing ward of the hospital immediately led to my water breaking, a few unsuccessful stabs at my veins with one successful attempt, a tiny bit of Nubain (which did nothing so I will go 100% drug free next baby), and Layla made her entrance into the world at 6:29pm right at the start of Superbowl 44, New Orleans Saints vs. Indianapolis Colts. Our team won!

Layla is a delight. She has brought a whole new world to Mike and I and I look forward to sharing more about her and what she has done to make me a better person.